Other Reasons Why Ted Cruz Might Have Gone to Mexico

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Image courtesy of CNBC

“Wanting to be a good dad, I flew down with them last night and am flying back this afternoon,” Cruz said after The Associated Press and other media outlets had reported details of the trip.

Ted Cruz boarded a plane to Mexico in the midst of a Texas states emergency following a rare and severe winter storm that knocked out power, snarled operations and cut off water supply, including to hospitals.

While he claims he went just to see his daughters off safely on their vacation and then promptly return to the crisis unfolding in his home state, the real truth is much more nuanced.

  1. To check on the wall: Since Trump left office this January, no one has checked on the wall along the Mexico border. Being a follow-through kind of guy, Cruz decided someone needed to check on the efforts and make sure the wall was still stable, and he was the closest Senator and agreed to “take one for the equipo.”
  2. To pick up some supplies: Since Texas seems to have run low on key supplies needed for the survival of his species, Cruz decided to tack onto his daughter’s spring break and go pick up some equipment including margarita mix and sombreros to keep his constituents warm. Oh and water, because there is a shortage in Texas.
  3. To sell his daughters to the cartel: Cruz needed some extra liquidity after his natural gas stocks tanked following the storm so he was planning to sell his daughters to the highest bidder, with initial interest some several leading cartels. They promised to take good care of them and ensure they always had “suenos buenos,” though Cruz didn’t know what that meant.
  4. To secretly meet with Trump: There’s a reason we haven’t seen Trump since he left office. After Mar-a-Lago kicked him out and New York wouldn’t take him back, he swapped his toupee with an attached wig and handlebar mustache and took off for the border. While reports are unsubstantiated, there is a Trump-shaped hole in the wall near the Texas-Mexico border. Cruz went to meet with him to talk about his intent to run for Mexican president.
  5. To take an earned vacation: Owing to burnout from a heated election season and a narrow defeat, Cruz decided a climate change-induced weather emergency just didn’t rise to the level of requiring his attention. “I’m no match for mother nature or oil tycoons,” he said as he packed his rollerbag and utilized law enforcement resources to escort him to the departures terminal at the airport. “If I can’t see it, it doesn’t exist,” is Cruz’s mantra as he refocuses his energy from sunsetting the emergency to tequila sunrises.
  6. To flee: Sitting awake one night reading testimonials from asylum seeking refugees, Cruz had a revelation. If so many were leaving their villages in Ciapas, the real estate was probably a buyer’s market. Why pay a premium in booming Texas or Washington D.C. when you buy a villa in San Cristobal for a fraction of the price? And you don’t have to deal with angry constituents. Plus, tacos.
  7. Ronald Reagan told him to do it: The two most important people in Cruz’s life are his late father and Ronald Reagan. While his father never liked Mexico — the sand stuck between his toes was a pet peeve, Cruz often hears advice in Ronald Reagan’s voice play out in his inner eardrum. His wife has been bugging him to get it checked out at the ENT, but it has come in handy for things like filibuster and other red tape maneuvers, as well as for knowing what to write on his wife’s Valentine’s Day cards. This time, the Reagan voice told him to go to Mexico, that his vacation glow would trickle down and heal the people in the great state of Texas.

Whatever Cruz’s intentions in jet-setting during a raging pandemic and major weather emergency, there’s one thing we know for sure: The scriptures don’t have a playbook for the mess he stepped into.

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